Ugly Babies

In the matter of reproduction, most people are worried about having a child with a mental or genetic disorder, i.e. Autism or Down Syndrome. But I realized that my greatest fear is having a completely healthy and happy baby that is down right ugly.

Now, babies are lucky because they can be cute and adorable in many forms. The versatility works in their favor, but you cannot deny that there are some babies that are down right ugly. Some will say, "We're all beautiful in our own way." Yeah, whatever, but I guarantee there's been a point when they were thinking, "Shit, that person/baby is ugly" and just don't have the balls to admit.

A girl I went to high school with had a baby about six months ago and, like any proud parent, she posted hundreds of photos of her baby boy on Facebook. So I go to check this kid out, like any good Facebook stalker would, and I literally jumped away from my computer because that was definitely a face only a mother could love! I felt bad for my reaction, but DAAAMMMNN. My face kinda morphed into the face of the baby for a moment; ya know, that "what the fuck is going on?" look with the big eyes, mildly gasping mouth, and slightly tilted and raised eyebrows. Now, the mother was pretty fucking ugly herself, but I was REALLY holding out hope for this child that his dad's genes would override any and all of her genes. However, this was not the case. In fact, the mixture of their genes was just fucking horrible, almost Frankenstein worthy.

I'm not completely insensitive though. Like I get it, parents have no control over how their babies look when they come out and it's not like they can hide them in a dungeon or something so, yeah, go ahead and post their ugly faces on Facebook (you're kind of morally obligated). But I don't know who to feel sorry for more: The kid that's gonna be pissed when he/she hits puberty and those pics are floating around or the parent that has to fake like their kid is so cute and just hope that he/she turns out looking halfway decent by the time they're twenty.

With this being said, not all hope is lost for babies of ugly parents. I've seen a scrawny, meth-head looking man and a huge, rat-beast looking woman create one of the cutest little baby girl's I've ever laid eyes on. So, like I said, there's just no controlling what a child will look like. I'm not "hating" on the baby or the parents. But fuck, that would just SUCK!

So, there's my inspiration to not get knocked up: ugly fucking babies. For the shallow little girls in high school that think a baby is just a long-lasting fashion statement that might get them their own TV show, this will be the best form of contraception for them: education about just how not cute babies can turn out. So spread the word about ugly babies! You'll only be helping society.

The end